Currently Listening Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge By My Chemical Romance Ghost of You see related

I'm not sure if I'm good or bad right now. I'm excited for school to start, because I hated my old school (even though now I feel bittersweet about it). I never felt like I quite belonged. So I consider this an opportunity for things to be different. But its just the waiting that's killing me. I don't know what to expect. I just want to know if I hate it or love it, instead of fearing the unknown.

I'm really, really excited to fall in love. I'm not questioning it anymore, if I'll find The One. Because I know that I will. Because I am sending out the right vibrations. Jessica Simpson once said, "I've been waiting my whole life to be married. I was born to be married." I think I was born to be married. But there's no way in hell I want to be dependent financially on him. And I don't want to hide behind the relationship, or be emotionally dependent on him. I want to, like Oprah said, enter the relationship as my complete, best self.

But what scares me is that, what if there isn't anything so special about me that would make me the Allie to someone's Noah? I mean, I'm not witty or have an IQ through the roof. I'm not outgoing andspontaneous. I'm not slender and porcelain-skinned or have soft russet curls and the eyes the color of the sea.

Okay. I'm not Alexis Bledel.

I know I will never achieve self-love and actualization if I'm always comparing myself to her. But she is always there, in the back of my pathetic littloe brain looking all adoreable and brainy saying. "Ha ha, Lindsay, look at how perfect I am and you're not! I'M Winnie Foster! I'M Rory Gilmore! You can memorize all the words to Tuck Everlasting you want, but you will NEVER BE ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"

I have a picture. Of HIM. Its not a great one, but until Jenny sends me the rest of the file tomorrow at 9 AM, it will have to do.

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He is the golden-haired sex God with the Khaki shorts. Alicia is the girl clinging to him. She is one of his groupies.

I hate them.

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That's everyone at art class.

<img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/Stawburi-Shortkake01/60bd1f57.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

There's me^^

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That's The Katies. I hate them too.

Love,

Linds

You would think that now, after I have become a Soul Searcher, Spiritualist, and have embarked on an inner sojourn to self-discovery, that I would not still be obsessing over finding The One.

Wrong. So wrong.

IT"S ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT! My Soul Searching Altar/Computer desk is plastered with quotes about love and pictures of people kissing. I watch movies like Something's Gotta Give and cry my eyes out, even at the not-sad parts. When I go to the mall, I pretend that I'm married and me and my husband/True Love are Christmas shopping with our little girl, Vanessa Marie. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LIVING IN THE MOMENT!

I thought that I had finally stopped sitting, waiting, wishing and finally started living my life. But I'm still waiting, still living through and for something that has yet to happen.

I know I'll find The One, okay, Lily? I will. In the book that I'm currently reading, Ask and It is Given by Jerry and Esther Hicks, I'm learning about how to manipulate your thoughts and attitude to control your own reality. They say that you CANNOT think positively about something and have it turn out badly, or vice versa. If you think about finding The One and are excited and anxious and imagine yourself already having it in your life, it WILL come to you, no exceptions. But I'm taking that to a waaay different level. Besides, in order to manifest your desires, you have to focus on IT, not the current lack of it in your life.

But I'm going insane.

Currently Listening The Phantom of the Opera (2004 Movie Soundtrack) (Special Extended Edition Package) The Phantom of the Opera see related

I got the piccys.

 That is my father and brother and the Death Star II: The Successor. That is me in the corner. I refused to salute.

 That's me in my Winnie Foster costume trying really hard to look tormented and deep, as if I have to choose between eternal life with the only boy I've ever loved or to lead a normal life without him.

 That one is of me looking really pissed off.

That is an Amish lady.

There is me again.

 There is my brother.

That's me and my Uncle Johnny

Currently Listening Tuck Everlasting Love Everlasting see related

SUMMARY: My Grampa broke his hip forty minutes before we set out for the lake. He was at the hospital by the time we got there. But he told my uncle to tell us to still come down, because we still deserved our vacation. For the first day or two, the air was so uneasy, being there without Gramma and Grampa. But eventually things settled down and we had fun. It was so completely different from any other year I've spent there, but I still had a great time. Change is one of those unavoidable things that can be good or bad. It doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

Anyway. I've realized that now that I'm open to new experiences, new experiences are coming to me. Its hard to explain. But I've done more in the past week than I have in the past year. However, there is a downside to my new free spirited state of mind. If I get the slightest inclination to do something dare-devilish, and I decide not to do it, I beat myself up over what a coward I am. I mean, its great to be open to new things and live life to the fullest, but a person needs to have common sense.

One experience over the past week that particularly stood out was when I went to Lily Dale. Lily Dale is a psychic community that has been world famousm for almost 200 years. Its a small, isolated town sprinkled with painted-lady cottages, surrounded by deep, vast woods. The woods are where the message services are held.

The Forest Temple is located in the center of the woods. Before it sit rows of pews and benches for people to sit at. A registered, travelling or student medium gets in front of the "croud" and begins the service with an opening prayer.

For the next hour, he or she recieves messages from either the audience's deceased loved ones or their spirit guides. When she gets a message, she points to the person who it's directed to and says, "Over there in the purple shirt. May I come to you?" Then she gives them advice from The Other Side. I went to four of these message services, and everyone I went with got a message. Except me. I was so disappointed I almost started crying. I know it sounds stupid, but I felt really alone. Don't my spirit guides care about me enough to let me know everything will be OK or that I'll find my true love?

Later, my mom,  Eugene, my Uncle Johnny and I went to a Spiritualists church thingy. This woman got up and told us about how when Michelangeo got the giant slab of marble to sculpt, he didn't care about the huge crack in it. In spite that, he created te David. It was about seeing the potential, the hope in things instead of the flaws, and how your perspective creates your reality. I was so overwhlmed by all that she was saying, because I knew it was all true. It made so much more sense than the crap they feed us at church. But I was hit with the sudden realization that in order to be truly happy and get where I want to be in life, I may not necessarily have to find my soul mate. I am supposed to be my full, entire, best self without having to have a man to complete me. Just like the song "Learn to be Lonely" from Phantom of the Opera: "Life can be lived, life can be loved alone."

I don't WANT to live of love life alone. To be honest, all I want out of life is to find true, real, passionate, everlasting love that lasts forever. My Jesse. My NOAH. I can't imagine ever being happy without finding my soul mate. I don't WANT to imagine it.

But I guess if what they were saying is true and your thoughts do create your reality, I need to believe that I'll find him, and I will.

I hope.

I was super overwhelmed by all the spritual stuff. But I think I was getting way too far ahead  of myself. You don't need good luck crystals or tarot cards to be happy. All you have to do is be a good person, have a positive attitue and live life to the fullest. That's all that's actually in YOUR power. The rest is fate. Well, actually, I read this quote that goes, "It is choice--not chance--that determines your destiny."

Now I'm contradicting myself. Meh. Whatever. I've got piccys on the way!

Love,

Linds